Jokes (or puns)

 

Each week, a (lame?) food joke (or pun) is added to this page. Thanks to Atika Rea, Cally Beaton, Chris Kent, Dave Richard, David Hicks, Gillian Essex, Jamal Clifford, Jane Dyer, Jenny Shaw, Lee Hirsh, Lesley Wing Jan, Lyn Richards, Lynne Gough, Martin O’Callaghan, Meg Montague, Michelle Hegarty, Olaf Falafel, Ona Henderson, Rita Hodgson, Rosie Brock, Rowan Loveland, Sabi Buehler, Sean Flynn, Sue Sedelies, Susan Palmer and Vince Rozmiarek for their various submissions.

  1. Did you know that by replacing your chocolate bar with a grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life?
  2. Jenny has 18 bars of chocolate. She eats 14. What does she have now?
    Diabetes, Jenny now has diabetes.
  3. What did the apple say to the almond? You’re nuts!
  4. A girl said that she recognised me from the Vegetarians Club but I swear I’ve never met herbivore.
  5. I’ve started investing in stocks, mostly vegetable. One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire.
  6. What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don’t eat.
  7. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding one in your caramel apple, which costs about 35 cents more, on average.
  8. My wife was going to make a batch of pancakes.
    Then she wasn’t.
    Then she was.
    Now it looks like she is just waffling. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  9. What is the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk, because it’s pasteurised before you see it! (submitted by Sean Flynn)
  10. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
  11. How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? You never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
  12. What can a whole apple do that half an apple can’t do? It can look round.
  13. How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach? Just one, because then your stomach won’t be empty.
  14. I recently visited a monastery and, as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips. I asked him “Are you the friar?” He replied “No, I’m the chip monk.”
  15. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  16. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  17. What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit? (sing to the tune of 5th symphony): Banana..na….! Banana..na….!
  18. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
  19. What does a cabbage outlaw have? A price on his head.
  20. What did the plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me tonight.
  21. What do you get when you cross a fruit and a dog? Melon collie.
  22. Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
  23. If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it? (submitted by David Hicks)
  24. A protest about fairy bread has been organised. Police are expecting hundreds and thousands. (submitted by Michelle Hegarty)
  25. What do the Australian Cricket Team and pancakes have in common? They both need a good batter!
  26. I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables … the celery was unacceptable. (submitted by Sean Flynn)
  27. Did you hear the joke about the fungus? I could tell it to you, but it might need time to grow on you.
  28. Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it!
  29. What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? “What’s eating you?”
  30. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long!
  31. Why did the skeleton go to a BBQ? For the spare ribs.
  32. Today, I will be as useless as the ‘g’ in lasagne. (Useless fact of the week: lasagne and lasagna both refer to the same food; the difference is that, whilst lasagne is the plural, lasagna is the singular. Second useless fact of the week: the singular of spaghetti is apparently spaghetto. Photo of the week: see right. Ravioli anyone?)
  33. Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
  34. She danced like nobody was watching. But people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her. (Brought to my attention by Ona Henderson)
  35. What happens when a cherry tree grows up? It blossoms.
  36. What did the grape say when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
  37. What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants? A sweet potato.
  38. Why did the potato cross the road? Because he saw a fork up ahead.
  39. Why did the pie go to a dentist? Because he needed a filling!
  40. When the waiter asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, “Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.
  41. Dad, do you like baked pears? Yes son, why? The orchard’s on fire.
  42. I call my horse mayo and sometimes mayo neighs. (submitted by Vince Rozmiarek)
  43. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose. (submitted by Vince Rozmiarek)
  44. Jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar … demerara. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  45. If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s humerus. (submitted by David Hicks)
  46. Why is parsley better than Justin Bieber? Because everything is better than Justin Bieber.
  47. Let’s get this party started … lettuce turnip the beet.
  48. What do you call a potato that is reluctant to jump into boiling water? “Hez a tater.”
  49. What do you call a person who poisons corn flakes? A cereal killer.
  50. What do you call a 5 0’clock shadow? Bristle sprouts. (submitted by Rosie Brock)
  51. What did the bottle of water say to the spy? The name’s Bond … Hydrogen bond.
  52. Why did the M&M go to school? Because he wanted to become a smartie.
  53. If Robyn has 30 chocolate bars and eats 25, what does she have? Diabetes.
  54. What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
  55. Someone who eats asparagus stalks must like them a whole bunch.
  56. Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
  57. How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
  58. Teacher: what are the seasons? Student: salt, pepper, garlic …
  59. What happened to the snack bar that was too close to the Synchrotron? They created ‘fission chips’.
  60. Why a orange is smart? Because it concentrates!
  61. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.
  62. If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?
  63. Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
  64. You throw away the outside, cook the inside, then eat the outside, and throw away the inside, what am I? Corn on the cob.
  65. That awkward moment when you pay $5 for Evian water and notice that it is Naive spelt backwards.
  66. Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
  67. Why can’t you trust tacos? Because they tend to spill the beans.
  68. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
  69. Waiter, will my pizza be long? No sir, it will be round!
  70. How many grams of protein are in a blueberry pi? 3.14159265359.
  71. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple!
  72. What did the boiled egg say when it got cracked? Ha ha haaaa! (submitted by Atika Rea)
  73. Would you like to hear an egg yolk? I have a dozen of them. When you hear them, you’ll crack up.
  74. What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder.
  75. Customer: “Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?” Waiter: “No, I cleaned it off.
  76. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  77. Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses! Waiter: You certainly do, this is a restaurant!
  78. Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
  79. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up! (as seen at White Night, Ballarat)
  80. Why did the fungus leave the party? Because there wasn’t mushroom.
  81. Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch? Because he was stuffed!
  82. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  83. What did the corn chip say to the cheese that was caught stealing? “Hey, that’s nachos!”
  84. What do bees use to style their hair? Honey combs. (submitted by Jane Dyer)
  85. What did the skeleton order for dinner? Spare ribs!
  86. Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? Because it needed a chocolate filling.
  87. Did you hear the joke about the butter? I can’t tell you, you might spread it.
  88. Why did the clock in the cafe run slow? It always went back four seconds!
  89. Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced? It had grater plans.
  90. What did the queen say when someone threw cheese at her? How dairy!
  91. How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare!
  92. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, breathe!
  93. What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascarpone.
  94. What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the fridge door. Close the door, I’m dressing!
  95. How many eggs are there in a French omelette? Just one, because one egg is un oeuf. (submitted by Chris Kent)
  96. Why did the maize fail as a stand-up comedian? The jokes were just too corny. (submitted by Meg Montague)
  97. Why shouldn’t you invite herbs to dinner? No one has got thyme for dills. (submitted by Meg Montague)
  98. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. It’s only mild though.
  99. Where do cantaloupes go for their summer holidays? John Cougar’s melon camp. (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  100. What did one potato say to the other potato on their honeymoon? Let’s have a chat. (submitted by Gillian Essex)
  101. What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
  102. Why does Elton John never eat cos lettuce? Coz he is more of a rocket man. (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  103. We don’t have any more vegetable jokes. If you have one, lettuce know.
  104. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce. (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  105. What did the papa potato say to the baby potato? “I’m keeping an eye on you.” (submitted by Martin O’Callaghan)
  106. One day, you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  107. this Wikipedia page)
  108. What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin? I yam what I yam. (submitted by Jenny Shaw)
  109. I always eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
  110. A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving, one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

    15 minutes passed and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?

    She replied “We have no teeth so we aren’t able to chew them.

    Confused, he asks, “If you can’t chew them, why do you buy them?

    She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!

 

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory – just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

 

Sing along to the tune of Stuck in the Middle with You by Stealers Wheel:
Trump to the left of me.
Brexit to the right.
Eire I am.
Stuck in the middle with EU.

 

A parody of Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This by the Eurythmics:
Sweet dreams are made of Cheese
Who am I to dis a Brie
I Cheddar the world and a Feta cheese
Everybody’s looking for Stilton

Here is a video of the parody in longer form.

 

As seen by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard: this is the awning of the cage of asparagus. For those of you who were not listening to music in the late 1960s, this sign is a play on words from the original song, this is the dawning of the age of aquarius, made famous by the musical Hair. It was first released as a single by a group called The 5th Dimension (see video) but subsequently covered by many others, including Andy Williams, Cilla Black, Diana Ross, Donna Summer, Engelbert Humperdinck and The Osmonds.

 

 

 

Not a joke but still funny, have a look at these two men in fruit-themed body paint, which was photographed in February 2017 by Claire Miller. As Claire says “I was watching a rather out there acrobatic busker act on Southbank by a Japanese gymnast calling himself Jackie Chan Chan when these two turned up and started scoring his act. They seemed related to possibly promoting Juice Boost but I can’t be certain. They were just such a bizarre addition to the crowd watching an already bizarre act that I snapped the photo. Cool body paint, though!

 

 

 

 

 

Photographed by Cath Jones, November 2019. ” I recently met ‘carrot man‘ in Bourke Street and took this picture. Apparently he is becoming something of a celebrity for being out there in public carrying an enormous carrot and making people smile.” And he has been doing it for the past six years!

 

 

 

 

 

  2 Responses to “Jokes (or puns)”

  1. A funny start to the day. Loved so many of these. Thanks.

  2. 150 clever jokes to brighten the dreariest day.

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