Jokes

 

Each week, a (lame?) food joke is added to this page. Thanks to Atika Rea, Chris Kent, Dave Richard, Gillian Essex, Jamal Clifford, Jane Dyer, Jenny Shaw, Lynne Gough, Martin O’Callaghan, Meg Montague, Rita Hodgson, Rosie Brock, Rowan Loveland, Sabi Buehler, Sue Sedelies and Susan Palmer for their various submissions.

  1. Let’s get this party started … lettuce turnip the beet.
  2. My boyfriend is such a smart ass, he told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
  3. What do you call a potato that is reluctant to jump into boiling water? “Hez a tater.”
  4. There are two types of people in this world: people who love chocolate and liars.
  5. What do you call a person who poisons corn flakes? A cereal killer.
  6. What do you call a potato with right angles? A square root.
  7. What do you call a 5 0’clock shadow? Bristle sprouts.
    (submitted by Rosie Brock)
  8. What day do eggs hate most? Fry-day!
  9. What did the bottle of water say to the spy? The name’s Bond … Hydrogen bond.
  10. How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
  11. Why did the M&M go to school? Because he wanted to become a smartie.
  12. Did you hear about the guy who stopped eating vegetables? His heart missed a beet.
  13. If Robyn has 30 chocolate bars and eats 25, what does she have? Diabetes.
  14. How did the tomato court the sweetcorn? He whispered sweet nothings in her ear.
  15. What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
  16. Why could Granny Smith not drive? Because she was an apple.
    (submitted by Jamal Clifford)
  17. Someone who eats asparagus stalks must like them a whole bunch.
  18. What do you call a conversation between two artichokes? A heart to heart.
  19. Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
  20. What does Neil Diamond’s veggie patch consist of? A swede/carrot line.
    (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  21. How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
  22. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  23. Teacher: what are the seasons? Student: salt, pepper, garlic …
  24. Why didn’t the butter take the part in the new movie? Because it didn’t like the roll it was offered.
  25. What happened to the snack bar that was too close to the Synchrotron? They created ‘fission chips’.
  26. Why did the fruit bat eat the orange? Because it had appeal.
  27. Why a orange is smart? Because it concentrates!
  28. The only type of Christmas dessert you should never trust is mince-spies.
    (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  29. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.
  30. What’s round, white and giggles? A tickled onion!
  31. If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?
  32. Why did the greengrocer sell both green and purple cabbage? Because two heads are better than one.
  33. Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
  34. Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  35. You throw away the outside, cook the inside, then eat the outside, and throw away the inside, what am I? Corn on the cob.
  36. How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
  37. That awkward moment when you pay $5 for Evian water and notice that it is Naive spelt backwards.
  38. How do you make a waffle smile? Butter him up.
  39. Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
  40. What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea? Denis.
  41. Why can’t you trust tacos? Because they tend to spill the beans.
  42. What type of fruit has babies in a red house, a red house in a white house, and a white house in a green house? A watermelon!
  43. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
  44. What is small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
  45. Waiter, will my pizza be long? No sir, it will be round!
  46. Two burritos are in a microwave and one says “wow, it’s hot in here.” And the other one says “Gosh, a talking burrito!”.
  47. How many grams of protein are in a blueberry pi? 3.14159265359.
  48. How does a farmer mend his trousers? With cabbage patches.
  49. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple!
  50. What’s worse than eating a meal cooked by [insert name of acquaintance]? Eating two meals cooked by [insert name of acquaintance]
  51. What did the boiled egg say when it got cracked? Ha ha haaaa!
    (submitted by Atika Rea)
  52. What happens to an egg when it laughs too hard? It cracks up!
  53. Would you like to hear an egg yolk? I have a dozen of them. When you hear them, you’ll crack up.
  54. My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up. If you don’t like them, you’re just hard boiled.
  55. What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder.
  56. Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
  57. Customer: “Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?” Waiter: “No, I cleaned it off.
  58. How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer!
  59. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  60. What do you call a sad raspberry? A blueberry.
  61. Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses! Waiter: You certainly do, this is a restaurant!
  62. How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
  63. Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
  64. Why did the tin man from Oz eat artichokes? Because he wanted a heart!
  65. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up! (as seen at White Night, Ballarat)
  66. The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.
  67. Why did the fungus leave the party? Because there wasn’t mushroom.
  68. Can you tell me the joke about the peanut butter? No, I’m not telling you because you might spread it.
    (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  69. Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch? Because he was stuffed!
  70. What’s the worst vegetable to serve on a boat? Leeks!
  71. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  72. How do chickens bake a cake? From scratch!
  73. What did the corn chip say to the cheese that was caught stealing? “Hey, that’s nachos!”
  74. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  75. What do bees use to style their hair? Honey combs.
    (submitted by Jane Dyer)
  76. Why did the honey bee queen’s dessert wobble when she tried to eat it? Because it was royal jelly.
    (submitted by Jane Dyer)
  77. What did the skeleton order for dinner? Spare ribs!
  78. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  79. Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? Because it needed a chocolate filling.
  80. How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their little brooms.
  81. Did you hear the joke about the butter? I can’t tell you, you might spread it.
  82. My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
  83. Why did the clock in the cafe run slow? It always went back four seconds!
  84. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  85. Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced? It had grater plans.
  86. Why was the scarecrow given a medal? Because he was outstanding in his field.
    (submitted by Rita Hodgson)
  87. What did the queen say when someone threw cheese at her? How dairy!
  88. Why was the cheesemonger lopsided? Because she only had one Stilton.
  89. How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare!
  90. What do you get when you cross a sad cauliflower with a sad melon? Melon-cauli.
    (submitted by Rowan Loveland)
  91. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, breathe!
  92. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  93. What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascarpone.
  94. Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  95. What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the fridge door. Close the door, I’m dressing!
  96. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was de brie everywhere!
  97. How many eggs are there in a French omelette? Just one, because one egg is un oeuf.
    (submitted by Chris Kent)
  98. Why should you never enter a corn field? You’d get lost in the maize.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  99. Why did the maize fail as a stand-up comedian? The jokes were just too corny.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  100. Why don’t you need to hurry when gathering herbs in the garden? Because you’ve got plenty of thyme.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  101. Why shouldn’t you invite herbs to dinner? No one has got thyme for dills.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  102. A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought “that’s not very mature”.
  103. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. It’s only mild though.
  104. What did the cheese say to the mirror? Halloumi.
  105. Where do cantaloupes go for their summer holidays? John Cougar’s melon camp.
    (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  106. What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
    (submitted by Sue Sedelies)
  107. What did one potato say to the other potato on their honeymoon? Let’s have a chat.
    (submitted by Gillian Essex)
  108. How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.
  109. What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
  110. I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.
  111. Why does Elton John never eat cos lettuce? Coz he is more of a rocket man.
    (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  112. Did the grape cry when someone stepped on it? No, it just let out a little wine.
  113. We don’t have any more vegetable jokes. If you have one, lettuce know.
  114. Did you hear about the woman who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled her in.
    (submitted by Susan Palmer)
  115. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce.
    (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  116. Why can’t you tell secrets in a community garden? Because the sweetcorn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans stalk.
  117. What did the papa potato say to the baby potato? “I’m keeping an eye on you.”
    (submitted by Martin O’Callaghan)
  118. What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing, stupid … apples don’t talk!
  119. One day, you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  120. What do you do if life gives you melons? See a doctor, because you’re dyslexic. (see this Wikipedia page)
  121. If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where do eggs come from? A poul-tree!
  122. What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin? I yam what I yam.
    (submitted by Jenny Shaw)
  123. Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
  124. I always eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
  125. Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he is a fun guy.

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving, one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes passed and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?

She replied “We have no teeth so we aren’t able to chew them.

Confused, he asks, “If you can’t chew them, why do you buy them?

She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!

 

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory – just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

 

Sing along to the tune of Stuck in the Middle with You by Stealers Wheel:
Trump to the left of me.
Brexit to the right.
Eire I am.
Stuck in the middle with EU.

 

A parody of Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This by the Eurythmics:
Sweet dreams are made of Cheese
Who am I to dis a Brie
I Cheddar the world and a Feta cheese
Everybody’s looking for Stilton

Here is a video of the parody in longer form.

 

As seen by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard: this is the awning of the cage of asparagus. For those of you who were not listening to music in the late 1960s, this sign is a play on words from the original song, this is the dawning of the age of aquarius, made famous by the musical Hair. It was first released as a single by a group called The 5th Dimension (see video) but subsequently covered by many others, including Andy Williams, Cilla Black, Diana Ross, Donna Summer, Engelbert Humperdinck and The Osmonds.

 

 

 

And, not a joke but still funny, have a look at these two men in fruit-themed body paint, which was photographed in February 2017 by Claire Miller. As Claire says “I was watching a rather out there acrobatic busker act on Southbank by a Japanese gymnast calling himself Jackie Chan Chan when these two turned up and started scoring his act. They seemed related to possibly promoting Juice Boost but I can’t be certain. They were just such a bizarre addition to the crowd watching an already bizarre act that I snapped the photo. Cool body paint, though!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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