Jokes (or puns)


Each week, a (lame?) food joke (or pun) is added to this page. Thanks to Atika Rea, Bev Middleton, Cally Beaton, Chris Kent, Dave Richard, David Hicks, Gillian Essex, Jamal Clifford, Jane Dyer, Jenny Shaw, Lee Hirsh, Lesley Wing Jan, Lyn Richards, Lynette Moore, Lynne Gough, Martin O’Callaghan, Meg Montague, Michelle Hegarty, Olaf Falafel, Ona Henderson, Rita Hodgson, Rosie Brock, Rowan Loveland, Sabi Buehler, Sean Flynn, Sue Sedelies, Susan Palmer and Vince Rozmiarek for their various submissions.

  1. What do you when cross a lemon and a cat? A sour puss. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  2. What do you get when you cross a strawberry with a road? A traffic jam. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  3. Where did the egg go for a holiday? New Yolk City. (submitted by Ryan, Lynette’s grandson)
  4. There’s a new machine at my gym. I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick … It’s got snickers, cheetos, peanuts … everything!
  5. A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry but we don’t serve breakfast here.
  6. You go your whole life making a great spanakopita and then, BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe. Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.
  7. I was the pianist in a piano bar. A customer walks up to me and asks “Can you play Strawberry Fields Forever?
    I replied, “No, after a few hours my fingers get tired.
  8. If:
    Peanut oil is made from peanuts.
    Olive oil is made from olives.
    Corn oil is made from corn.
    What is baby oil made from?
  9. A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race.
    The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
  10. You say tomato, I say tomato” doesn’t make that much sense when you read it.
  11. The inventor of autocorrect has died. The funnel will be held tomato.
  12. There’s an old man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter. “My son, it is regrettable that you can’t be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together.

    The son writes back, “Father, don’t dig up the tomato garden, that’s where the bodies are buried.

    That night, the police show up at the old man’s house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologise to the man, and go on their way.

    The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, “Father, given the circumstances, that was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now.

  13. He pasta away.
    We cannoli do so much.
    His legacy will become a pizza history.
    Here today gone tomato.
    How sad he ran out of thyme.
    Sending olive my prayers to the family.
    His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it.
    You never sausage a tragic thing.
  14. An IT programmer is about to go out and buy groceries. His wife tell him: “Buy a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, buy a dozen.” He comes back with 13 loaves of bread. “But why?“, she asks. “Because they had eggs“, he replies.
  15. My girlfriend told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list, so I did. Now I can’t read it.
  16. A cheese sandwich walks into a pub. The landlord says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food.
  17. What do you get if you divide a pumpkin’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin pie.
  18. I decided to have scrambled eggs this morning … immediately after thinking “I’ll just flip this omelette.
  19. Why do French people eat small breakfasts? One egg is an oeuf.
  20. If the tomato is technically a fruit, does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?
  21. Our fruit and vegetable business recently went into liquidation. We now sell smoothies.
  22. It’s so hot that our garlic took its cloves off.
  23. A balanced diet is essential. Try a pastry in each hand. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  24. I made some Indian food for dinner last night. I told my wife that I’d used butter but wished I’d had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued “because it’s more traditionally Indian.” “Ah,” she replied. “Thanks for clarifying.
  25. On Monday morning, he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone. On Tuesday, he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch. Today he brought a chicken caesar wrap. Gone by midday. I hope he brings a pastrami and Swiss tomorrow. That’s my favourite.
  26. The bartender said, “Why do you have a sandwich taped to your head?” The man said, “My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays.” The bartender said, “It’s Tuesday.” The man hung his head in shame and said, “Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then.
  27. A woman is cooking. Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says: ““Careful, careful, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. Too many! Flip them! Flip them! Come on! Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful! Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! Never! Flip them over already. Hurry! Are you crazy? Take it easy! Easy! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them. Salt!” The wife stares at her husband: ““What’s wrong with you? You think I can’t fry a few eggs?” The husband answers calmly: “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
  28. Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
  29. A Grandfather tells his Grandson, “When I was a boy, you could go into a store with change in your pocket and come out with a loaf of bread, lunch and a bottle of milk.” The Grandson replies, “You can’t do that anymore Grandpa, there’s too many cameras now“.
  30. A parent teaching their child some arithmetic asks: “if I had 4 chocolate treats and you asked for one, how many would I have left?” The child replies: “As it is you, you’d probably still have 4.
  31. A man decides that he wanted to make his own honey, so he purchased 100 bees from his local beekeeper. When he got home ,he counted his bees and discovered that he actually had 101 . Being an honest man, he called the beekeeper back to tell him that he had taken one too many. “That’s ok,” the beekeeper told him, “the extra one is a freebee.” (Submitted by Lee Hirsh.)
  32. A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks “is this gluten free?” The cashier replies, “no, it costs $4.50.
  33. People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine.
  34. Make me one with everything,” said the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, “Where is my change?” The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.
  35. An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch, he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold.” His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?” The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory.
  36. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “we decided to cook our own breakfast.
  37. I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. My GP said that l will fine. But l feel I’ve dyed a little inside. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  38. What did the espresso say to the coffee bean? You keep me grounded. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  39. A screwdriver goes into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!“; The screwdriver asks, “You have a drink named Philip?
  40. If you’re waiting for a waiter at a restaurant, have you also become a waiter?
  41. Tea is like F5 to me, it’s refreshing.
  42. When vegetarians give up something they have to go cold tofu. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  43. What do bakers give people on special occasions? Flours.
  44. A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!
  45. The older you get, the better you get (unless you’re a banana). (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  46. Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  47. Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
  48. When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house swarming party? (submitted by Susan Palmer)
  49. A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?” “Pop“, goes the weasel.
  50. Someone’s replaced my passport photo with a picture of a marzipan fruitcake – I think my identity has been stollen. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  51. Pretend you are a contestant on The Apprentice by holding your phone like it’s a tray of Ferraro Rocher. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  52. If anyone says ‘you’re as keen as mustard’ take it as a condiment. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  53. My nan recently had a hip operation, now whenever she makes me a sandwich she serves it on a roof tile with a side of rosemary fries in a miniature bucket. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  54. They told me I shouldn’t put jam on my trigger finger but I’m sticking to my guns. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  55. I’ll never forget that morning 42 years ago when my dad left the house and told us he was going to get milk. Mainly because he forgot to put trousers on. How we laughed. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  56. Don’t miss the last day of a wedding cake making course – it’ll end in tiers. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  57. I’m so old I can remember when not all caramel was salted caramel. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  58. Steaming vegetables may well keep in more of the goodness but it’s ruined my ironing board. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  59. I swear it was easier to split the atom than to cut a pickled onion on a plate. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  60. Make toast sound fancier by calling it ‘twice-cooked bread’. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  61. My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  62. I have to watch Goldeneye before heating a microwave meal because the packaging says “Pierce film before cooking“. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  63. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and rice bubbles. But before you know it, you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  64. A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee. “A sore knee?” the doctor said. “Have you tried icing it?
  65. What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? ““Get out of my face.
  66. I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today. I think it was from my Uncle Ben.
  67. What is Santa’s favourite kind of pizza? One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.
  68. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
  69. Smoking will kill you … Bacon will kill you … But, smoking bacon will cure it.
  70. Did you get a bowl of soup with that haircut?
  71. A duck walks in a bar, orders a beer and says “put it on my bill.
  72. Did I say feelings? I meant, uhhh, sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
  73. What did the hungry computer eat? Chips, one byte at a time.
  74. What starts with T, ends with T, and is filled with T? A teapot.
  75. If you’re not supposed to eat at night … why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
  76. When do truck drivers stop for a snack? When they see a fork in the road.
  77. Two trees were passing the time and chatting. They could see a small group of people walking in the distance and one tree turned to the other and said “Do you think they communicate with each other?” The other tree shook his head and said “Nah – no way- they haven’t got roots.” (submitted by Bev Middleton)
  78. l scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream! (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  79. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
  80. If my body is a temple then eating pancakes is a form of prayer.
  81. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O too.” The second chemist dies. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says, “I’ll take a water too.” The first chemist gets angry. His assassination attempt failed. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O too.” The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homophones in coda position as well as pragmatic context.
  82. I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.
  83. What does bread do after it’s done baking? Loaf around.
  84. A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.
  85. A neutron walks into a bar.
    How much for a beer?” the neutron asks.
    For you?” says the bartender, “No charge.
  86. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?
  87. Mother: “Eat your silverbeet, it’s got iron in it.” Son: “No wonder it is tough.
  88. Roses are red, I wish I was in bed, I suck at poetry, Coffee.
  89. The waiter said to me, “I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?” I replied, “Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
  90. Two lawyers enter a restaurant. They both pull up suitcases onto the table they are on and each takes out a sandwich. Seeing this, a waiter comes up to them and tells them that they can’t eat their own food in the restaurant. With an irritated tsk and a shake of the head, the two lawyers exchange their sandwiches.
  91. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
  92. What are the best things to put in a pie? Your teeth!
  93. Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become whisky but didn’t.
  94. I recently visited a monastery and, as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.
    I asked him “Are you the friar?
    He replied “No, I’m the chip monk.
  95. Wanna hear a joke about pizza? Never mind. It’s too cheesy.
  96. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  97. Remember: when you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so that it’s illegal to dig it up. (submitted by Susan Palmer)
  98. A vegan said to a non-vegan, “people who sell meat are gross,” to which the non-vegan replied, “people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
  99. I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll try a grape.
  100. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
  101. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
  102. If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
  103. I just baked a synonym bun … just like the ones that grammar used to bake.
  104. Waiter: “Welcome to the Karma Cafe.
    Me: “What do you sell here?
    Waiter: “Just desserts.
  105. Growing your own tomatoes is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving $2.17.
  106. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
  107. I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I going to take a nap while baking brownies.
  108. A panda eats for around 15 hours a day. So does a human in isolation and that’s why it’s called a ‘pandemic’.
  109. Q: (to a New Zealander): What’s a Hindu?
    A: (from the New Zealander): Lays eggs. (submitted by Rosie Brock)
  110. Q: Why was the celery given a restraining order?
    A: It was stalking the other vegetables. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  111. Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
    A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
  112. A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?
  113. What did the parmesan say when it broke off with mozzarella? “Sorry, but I’m just too mature for you.” (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  114. The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune but the chick peas can only hummus one.
  115. How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes?
    Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
  116. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Cash who?
    No thanks, I prefer peanuts!
  117. I once worked at a pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
  118. Customer: There is a fly in my soup. Waiter: Don’t worry, the spider in your bread will get it.
  119. Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.
  120. By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.
  121. A friend suggested putting horse manure on my strawberries. I’m never doing that again, I’m going back to whipped cream.
  122. How do you milk sheep? Release a new iPhone and charge $1,500 for it.
  123. I’m not saying my family is inbred, but my cousins’ names are Cheddar and Jarlsberg.
  124. Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? Because it ran out of juice.
  125. I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
  126. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.
  127. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  128. Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
  129. Waiter, will my pizza be long?” “No sir, it will be round.
  130. Did you know that by replacing your chocolate bar with a grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life?
  131. What did the apple skin say to the apple? I’ve got you covered.
  132. Jenny has 18 bars of chocolate. She eats 14. What does she have now?
    Diabetes, Jenny now has diabetes.
  133. Who will win in a race: lettuce, a faucet, or ketchup? The lettuce would be a head the faucet will still be running and the ketchup will try to ketc-hup.
  134. What did the apple say to the almond? You’re nuts!
  135. Let’s eat grandma!” No, “let’s eat, grandma!” Punctuation saves lives.
  136. A girl said that she recognised me from the Vegetarians Club but I swear I’ve never met herbivore.
  137. I was on a diet, but I doughnut care anymore.
  138. I’ve started investing in stocks, mostly vegetable. One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire.
  139. I have a job crushing Coca-Cola cans. It’s soda pressing.
  140. What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don’t eat.
  141. The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chickpeas can hummus one.
  142. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding one in your caramel apple, which costs about 35 cents more, on average.
  143. What room has no doors, no walls, no floor and no ceiling? A mushroom.
  144. My wife was going to make a batch of pancakes.
    Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Now it looks like she is just waffling. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  145. What is the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk, because it’s pasteurised before you see it! (submitted by Sean Flynn)
  146. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
  147. Chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs didn’t have chocolate and look what happened to them. [If you wish, substitute ‘chocolate’ with ‘kale’ in this joke.]
  148. How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? You never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
  149. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does garlic do? Keeps everyone away.
  150. What can a whole apple do that half an apple can’t do? It can look round.
  151. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? All that was left was de brie. (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  152. How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach? Just one, because then your stomach won’t be empty.
  153. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
  154. I recently visited a monastery and, as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips. I asked him “Are you the friar?” He replied “No, I’m the chip monk.”
  155. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  156. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  157. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  158. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  159. How do you make an egg roll? You push it!
  160. What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit? (sing to the tune of 5th symphony):….!….!
  161. What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? “A beer please, and one for the road.
  162. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
  163. I am going bananas. That’s what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.
  164. What does a cabbage outlaw have? A price on his head.
  165. What food goes best with jacket potatoes? Button mushrooms.
  166. What did the plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me tonight.
  167. Why was the lemon feeling depressed? She had lost her zest for life.
  168. What do you get when you cross a fruit and a dog? Melon collie.
  169. What do you get when you cross a cat and a lemon? A sour puss.
  170. Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
  171. What did one water bottle say to another? Water you doing today?
  172. If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it? (submitted by David Hicks)
  173. Lettuce isolate and beet coronavirus. (submitted by Bulleen Art & Garden nursery)
  174. A protest about fairy bread has been organised. Police are expecting hundreds and thousands. (submitted by Michelle Hegarty)
  175. What do the Australian Cricket Team and pancakes have in common? They both need a good batter!
  176. What did the rabbit say to the carrot? It’s been nice gnawing you.
  177. I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables … the celery was unacceptable. (submitted by Sean Flynn)
  178. What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? “You’ve got some crust.
  179. Did you hear the joke about the fungus? I could tell it to you, but it might need time to grow on you.
  180. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  181. Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it!
  182. What’s the difference between an Mel Gibson movie and a pizza? Pizzas are good.
  183. What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? “What’s eating you?”
  184. What can a whole pear do that half an pear can’t do? It can look round.
  185. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long!
  186. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.
  187. Why did the skeleton go to a BBQ? For the spare ribs.
  188. Why do we put round pizza in a square box and eat it in triangles?
  189. Today, I will be as useless as the ‘g’ in lasagne. (Useless fact of the week: lasagne and lasagna both refer to the same food; the difference is that, whilst lasagne is the plural, lasagna is the singular. Second useless fact of the week: the singular of spaghetti is apparently spaghetto. Photo of the week: see right. Ravioli anyone?)
  190. What did one flea say to the other one when they came out of the movie? Shall we walk or take a dog? (submitted by Lee Hirsh)
  191. Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
  192. Children are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit weird.
  193. She danced like nobody was watching. But people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her. (Brought to my attention by Ona Henderson)
  194. I thought I was drowning in Sprite, but it was only a Fanta sea.
  195. What happens when a cherry tree grows up? It blossoms.
  196. Why did the nectarine have a hair transplant? Because it wanted to be a peach!
  197. What did the grape say when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
  198. How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
  199. What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants? A sweet potato.
  200. What did one strawberry say to the other? If you weren’t so fresh, we wouldn’t be in this jam.
  201. Why did the potato cross the road? Because he saw a fork up ahead.
  202. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if a bloody mary counts as a smoothie. (submitted by Lyn Richards)
  203. Why did the pie go to a dentist? Because he needed a filling!
  204. Why did the unsuccessful mushroom hunter resort to stealing? Because he had no morels. (submitted by Lesley Wing Jan)
  205. When the waiter asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, “Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.”
  206. What do politicians need to drink? Honest-Tea.
  207. Dad, do you like baked pears? Yes son, why? The orchard’s on fire.
  208. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? (submitted by Vince Rozmiarek)
  209. I call my horse mayo and sometimes mayo neighs. (submitted by Vince Rozmiarek)
  210. I saw a baguette at the zoo. It was bread in captivity. (submitted by Vince Rozmiarek)
  211. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose. (submitted by Vince Rozmiarek)
  212. I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes but that’s Heinz sight. (submitted by Cally Beaton)
  213. Jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar … demerara. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  214. I keep randomly shouting out “broccoli” and “cauliflower”. I think I might have florets. (submitted by Olaf Falafel)
  215. If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s humerus. (submitted by David Hicks)
  216. Why did the grapefruit go out with a prune? Because she couldn’t find a date.
  217. Why is parsley better than Justin Bieber? Because everything is better than Justin Bieber.
  218. What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolker.
  219. Let’s get this party started … lettuce turnip the beet.
  220. My boyfriend is such a smart ass, he told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
  221. What do you call a potato that is reluctant to jump into boiling water? “Hez a tater.”
  222. There are two types of people in this world: people who love chocolate and liars.
  223. What do you call a person who poisons corn flakes? A cereal killer.
  224. What do you call a potato with right angles? A square root.
  225. What do you call a 5 0’clock shadow? Bristle sprouts. (submitted by Rosie Brock)
  226. What day do eggs hate most? Fry-day!
  227. What did the bottle of water say to the spy? The name’s Bond … Hydrogen bond.
  228. How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
  229. Why did the M&M go to school? Because he wanted to become a smartie.
  230. Did you hear about the guy who stopped eating vegetables? His heart missed a beet.
  231. If Robyn has 30 chocolate bars and eats 25, what does she have? Diabetes.
  232. How did the tomato court the sweetcorn? He whispered sweet nothings in her ear.
  233. What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
  234. Why could Granny Smith not drive? Because she was an apple. (submitted by Jamal Clifford)
  235. Someone who eats asparagus stalks must like them a whole bunch.
  236. What do you call a conversation between two artichokes? A heart to heart.
  237. Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
  238. What does Neil Diamond’s veggie patch consist of? A swede/carrot line. (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  239. How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
  240. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  241. Teacher: what are the seasons? Student: salt, pepper, garlic …
  242. Why didn’t the butter take the part in the new movie? Because it didn’t like the roll it was offered.
  243. What happened to the snack bar that was too close to the Synchrotron? They created ‘fission chips’.
  244. Why did the fruit bat eat the orange? Because it had appeal.
  245. Why a orange is smart? Because it concentrates!
  246. The only type of Christmas dessert you should never trust is mince-spies. (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  247. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.
  248. What’s round, white and giggles? A tickled onion!
  249. If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?
  250. Why did the greengrocer sell both green and purple cabbage? Because two heads are better than one.
  251. Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
  252. Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  253. You throw away the outside, cook the inside, then eat the outside, and throw away the inside, what am I? Corn on the cob.
  254. How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
  255. That awkward moment when you pay $5 for Evian water and notice that it is Naive spelt backwards.
  256. How do you make a waffle smile? Butter him up.
  257. Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
  258. What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea? Denis.
  259. Why can’t you trust tacos? Because they tend to spill the beans.
  260. What type of fruit has babies in a red house, a red house in a white house, and a white house in a green house? A watermelon!
  261. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
  262. What is small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
  263. Two burritos are in a microwave and one says “wow, it’s hot in here.” And the other one says “Gosh, a talking burrito!”.
  264. How many grams of protein are in a blueberry pi? 3.14159265359.
  265. How does a farmer mend his trousers? With cabbage patches.
  266. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple!
  267. What’s worse than eating a meal cooked by [insert name of acquaintance]? Eating two meals cooked by [insert name of acquaintance]
  268. What did the boiled egg say when it got cracked? Ha ha haaaa! (submitted by Atika Rea)
  269. What happens to an egg when it laughs too hard? It cracks up!
  270. Would you like to hear an egg yolk? I have a dozen of them. When you hear them, you’ll crack up.
  271. My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up. If you don’t like them, you’re just hard boiled.
  272. What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder.
  273. Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
  274. Customer: “Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?” Waiter: “No, I cleaned it off.
  275. How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer!
  276. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  277. What do you call a sad raspberry? A blueberry.
  278. Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses! Waiter: You certainly do, this is a restaurant!
  279. How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
  280. Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
  281. Why did the tin man from Oz eat artichokes? Because he wanted a heart!
  282. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up! (as seen at White Night, Ballarat)
  283. The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.
  284. Why did the fungus leave the party? Because there wasn’t mushroom.
  285. Can you tell me the joke about the peanut butter? No, I’m not telling you because you might spread it. (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  286. Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch? Because he was stuffed!
  287. What’s the worst vegetable to serve on a boat? Leeks!
  288. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  289. How do chickens bake a cake? From scratch!
  290. What did the corn chip say to the cheese that was caught stealing? “Hey, that’s nachos!”
  291. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  292. What do bees use to style their hair? Honey combs. (submitted by Jane Dyer)
  293. Why did the honey bee queen’s dessert wobble when she tried to eat it? Because it was royal jelly. (submitted by Jane Dyer)
  294. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  295. Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? Because it needed a chocolate filling.
  296. How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their little brooms.
  297. Did you hear the joke about the butter? I can’t tell you, you might spread it.
  298. My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
  299. Why did the clock in the cafe run slow? It always went back four seconds!
  300. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  301. Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced? It had grater plans.
  302. Why was the scarecrow given a medal? Because he was outstanding in his field. (submitted by Rita Hodgson)
  303. What did the queen say when someone threw cheese at her? How dairy!
  304. Why was the cheesemonger lopsided? Because she only had one Stilton.
  305. How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare!
  306. What do you get when you cross a sad cauliflower with a sad melon? Melon-cauli. (submitted by Rowan Loveland)
  307. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, breathe!
  308. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  309. What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascarpone.
  310. Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing. (submitted by Meg Montague)
  311. What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the fridge door. Close the door, I’m dressing!
  312. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was de brie everywhere!
  313. How many eggs are there in a French omelette? Just one, because one egg is un oeuf. (submitted by Chris Kent)
  314. Why should you never enter a corn field? You’d get lost in the maize. (submitted by Meg Montague)
  315. Why did the maize fail as a stand-up comedian? The jokes were just too corny. (submitted by Meg Montague)
  316. Why don’t you need to hurry when gathering herbs in the garden? Because you’ve got plenty of thyme. (submitted by Meg Montague)
  317. Why shouldn’t you invite herbs to dinner? No one has got thyme for dills. (submitted by Meg Montague)
  318. A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought “that’s not very mature”.
  319. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. It’s only mild though.
  320. What did the cheese say to the mirror? Halloumi.
  321. Where do cantaloupes go for their summer holidays? John Cougar’s melon camp. (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  322. What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you. (submitted by Sue Sedelies)
  323. What did one potato say to the other potato on their honeymoon? Let’s have a chat. (submitted by Gillian Essex)
  324. How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.
  325. What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
  326. I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.
  327. Why does Elton John never eat cos lettuce? Coz he is more of a rocket man. (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard)
  328. Did the grape cry when someone stepped on it? No, it just let out a little wine.
  329. We don’t have any more vegetable jokes. If you have one, lettuce know.
  330. Did you hear about the woman who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled her in. (submitted by Susan Palmer)
  331. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce. (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  332. Why can’t you tell secrets in a community garden? Because the sweetcorn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans stalk.
  333. What did the papa potato say to the baby potato? “I’m keeping an eye on you.” (submitted by Martin O’Callaghan)
  334. What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing, stupid … apples don’t talk!
  335. One day, you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  336. What do you do if life gives you melons? See a doctor, because you’re dyslexic. (see this Wikipedia page)
  337. If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where do eggs come from? A poul-tree!
  338. What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin? I yam what I yam. (submitted by Jenny Shaw)
  339. Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
  340. I always eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
  341. Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he is a fun guy.

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving, one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes passed and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?

She replied “We have no teeth so we aren’t able to chew them.

Confused, he asks, “If you can’t chew them, why do you buy them?

She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!


The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory – just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.


Sing along to the tune of Stuck in the Middle with You by Stealers Wheel:
Trump to the left of me.
Brexit to the right.
Eire I am.
Stuck in the middle with EU.


A parody of Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This by the Eurythmics:
Sweet dreams are made of Cheese
Who am I to dis a Brie
I Cheddar the world and a Feta cheese
Everybody’s looking for Stilton

Here is a video of the parody in longer form.


As seen by Lynne Gough and Dave Richard: this is the awning of the cage of asparagus.

For those of you who were not listening to music in the late 1960s, this sign is a play on words from the original song, this is the dawning of the age of aquarius, made famous by the musical Hair. It was first released as a single by a group called The 5th Dimension (see video) but subsequently covered by many others, including Andy Williams, Cilla Black, Diana Ross, Donna Summer, Engelbert Humperdinck and The Osmonds.




Not a joke but still funny, have a look at these two men in fruit-themed body paint, which was photographed in February 2017 by Claire Miller. As Claire says “I was watching a rather out there acrobatic busker act on Southbank by a Japanese gymnast calling himself Jackie Chan Chan when these two turned up and started scoring his act. They seemed related to possibly promoting Juice Boost but I can’t be certain. They were just such a bizarre addition to the crowd watching an already bizarre act that I snapped the photo. Cool body paint, though!







Photographed by Cath Jones, November 2019. ” I recently met ‘carrot man‘ in Bourke Street and took this picture. Apparently he is becoming something of a celebrity for being out there in public carrying an enormous carrot and making people smile.” And he has been doing it for the past six years!








  3 Responses to “Jokes (or puns)”

  1. Great laughs after finding your site from watching Gardening Australia.

  2. A funny start to the day. Loved so many of these. Thanks.

  3. 150 clever jokes to brighten the dreariest day.

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