Each week, starting January 2017, a (lame?) food joke will be added to this page.
- Did you hear the joke about the butter? I can’t tell you, you might spread it.
- My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
- Why did the clock in the cafe run slow? It always went back four seconds!
- Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
- Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced? It had grater plans.
- What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, dammit, breathe!
- Why was the scarecrow given a medal? Because he was outstanding in his field. (submitted by Rita Hodgson)
- What did the queen say when someone threw cheese at her? How dairy!
- Why was the cheesemonger lopsided? Because she only had one Stilton.
- How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare!
- What do you get when you cross a sad cauliflower with a sad melon? Melon-cauli. (submitted by Rowan Loveland)
- What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, breathe!
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascarpone.
- Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing. (submitted by Meg Montague)
- What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the fridge door. Close the door, I’m dressing!
- Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was de brie everywhere!
- How many eggs are there in a French omelette? Just one, because one egg is un oeuf. (submitted by Chris Kent)
- Why should you never enter a corn field? You’d get lost in the maize. (submitted by Meg Montague)
- Why did the maize fail as a stand-up comedian? The jokes were just too corny. (submitted by Meg Montague)
- Why don’t you need to hurry when gathering herbs in the garden? Because you’ve got plenty of thyme. (submitted by Meg Montague)
- Why shouldn’t you invite herbs to dinner? No one has got thyme for dills. (submitted by Meg Montague)
- A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought “that’s not very mature”.
- I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. It’s only mild though.
- What did the cheese say to the mirror? Halloumi.
- Where do cantaloupes go for their summer holidays? John Cougar’s melon camp. (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richards)
- What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you. (submitted by Sue Sedelies)
- What did one potato say to the other potato on their honeymoon? Let’s have a chat. (submitted by Gillian Essex)
- How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.
- What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
- I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.
- Why does Elton John never eat cos lettuce? Coz he is more of a rocket man.
(submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richards)
- Did the grape cry when someone stepped on it? No, it just let out a little wine.
- We don’t have any more vegetable jokes. If you have one, lettuce know.
- Did you hear about the woman who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled her in.
(submitted by Susan Palmer)
- What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce.
(submitted by Sabi Buehler)
- Why can’t you tell secrets in a community garden? Because the sweetcorn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans stalk.
- What did the papa potato say to the baby potato? “I’m keeping an eye on you.”
(submitted by Martin O’Callaghan)
- What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing, stupid … apples don’t talk!
- One day, you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
- What do you do if life gives you melons? See a doctor, because you’re dyslexic. (see this Wikipedia page)
- If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where do eggs come from? A poul-tree!
- What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin? I yam what I yam.
(submitted by Jenny Shaw)
- Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
- I always eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
- Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he is a fun guy.
As seen by Lynne Gough and Dave Richards: this is the awning of the cage of asparagus. For those of you who were not listening to music in the late 1960s, this sign is a play on words from the original song, this is the dawning of the age of aquarius, made famous by the musical Hair. It was first released as a single by a group called The 5th Dimension (see video)but subsequently covered by many others, including Andy Williams, Cilla Black, Diana Ross, Donna Summer, Engelbert Humperdinck and The Osmonds.
And, not a joke but still funny, have a look at these two men in fruit-themed body paint, which was photographed by in February 2017 by Claire Miller. As Claire says “I was watching a rather out there acrobatic busker act on Southbank by a Japanese gymnast calling himself Jackie Chan Chan when these two turned up and started scoring his act. They seemed related to possibly promoting Juice Boost but I can’t be certain. They were just such a bizarre addition to the crowd watching an already bizarre act that I snapped the photo. Cool body paint, though!“