Jokes

 

Each week, starting January 2017, a (lame?) food joke will be added to this page.

  1. What did the queen say when someone threw cheese at her? How dairy!
  2. Why was the cheesemonger lopsided? Because she only had one Stilton.
  3. How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare!
  4. What do you get when you cross a sad cauliflower with a sad melon? Melon-cauli.
    (submitted by Rowan Loveland)
  5. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, breathe!
  6. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  7. What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascarpone.
  8. Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  9. What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the fridge door. Close the door, I’m dressing!
  10. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was de brie everywhere!
  11. How many eggs are there in a French omelette? Just one, because one egg is un oeuf.
    (submitted by Chris Kent)
  12. Why should you never enter a corn field? You’d get lost in the maize.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  13. Why did the maize fail as a stand-up comedian? The jokes were just too corny.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  14. Why don’t you need to hurry when gathering herbs in the garden? Because you’ve got plenty of thyme.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  15. Why shouldn’t you invite herbs to dinner? No one has got thyme for dills.
    (submitted by Meg Montague)
  16. A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought “that’s not very mature”.
  17. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. It’s only mild though.
  18. What did the cheese say to the mirror? Halloumi.
  19. Where do cantaloupes go for their summer holidays? John Cougar’s melon camp.
    (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richards)
  20. What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
    (submitted by Sue Sedelies)
  21. What did one potato say to the other potato on their honeymoon? Let’s have a chat.
    (submitted by Gillian Essex)
  22. How do you handle dangerous cheese? Caerphilly.
  23. What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
  24. I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.
  25. Why does Elton John never eat cos lettuce? Coz he is more of a rocket man.
    (submitted jointly by Lynne Gough and Dave Richards)
  26. Did the grape cry when someone stepped on it? No, it just let out a little wine.
  27. We don’t have any more vegetable jokes. If you have one, lettuce know.
  28. Did you hear about the woman who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled her in.
    (submitted by Susan Palmer)
  29. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce.
    (submitted by Sabi Buehler)
  30. Why can’t you tell secrets in a community garden? Because the sweetcorn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans stalk.
  31. What did the papa potato say to the baby potato? “I’m keeping an eye on you.”
    (submitted by Martin O’Callaghan)
  32. What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing, stupid … apples don’t talk!
  33. One day, you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  34. What do you do if life gives you melons? See a doctor, because you’re dyslexic. (see this Wikipedia page)
  35. If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where do eggs come from? A poul-tree!
  36. What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin? I yam what I yam.
    (submitted by Jenny Shaw)
  37. Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
  38. I always eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
  39. Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he is a fun guy.

As seen by Lynne Gough and Dave Richards: this is the awning of the cage of asparagus. For those of you who were not listening to music in the late 1960s, this sign is a play on words from the original song, this is the dawning of the age of aquarius, made famous by the musical Hair. It was first released as a single by a group called The 5th Dimension (see video)but subsequently covered by many others, including Andy Williams, Cilla Black, Diana Ross, Donna Summer, Engelbert Humperdinck and The Osmonds.

And, not a joke but still funny, have a look at these two men in fruit-themed body paint, which was photographed by in February 2017 by Claire Miller. As Claire says “I was watching a rather out there acrobatic busker act on Southbank by a Japanese gymnast calling himself Jackie Chan Chan when these two turned up and started scoring his act. They seemed related to possibly promoting Juice Boost but I can’t be certain. They were just such a bizarre addition to the crowd watching an already bizarre act that I snapped the photo. Cool body paint, though!

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